Top Tips for Teaching Sexual Communication

If you've been following along then you know this is the last post of my three part series: The Selfies, Sexplay and Sexual Communication. 

This week we're talking about Sexual Communication. Whether it's with a casual partner, one with relationship potential, or long time partner helping our clients learn how to establish sexual communication in their relationship is an important part of addressing sexuality and intimacy. 

If they are not already communicating about sex with their partner we may need to help them learn how to be the initiator, which can be uncomfortable for them. 

Establishing sexual communication is the foundation of good sexual experiences and most people will find it refreshing to share their preferences and boundaries.

So how do you teach sexual communication??

 Tip #1 - Teach your client to discuss their boundaries/ limits:

While reasons for setting sexual limits widely vary, it is not uncommon for individuals to set sexual limits. Sexual limit setting is a strategy for healthy sexual engagement over a human's lifespan. It's okay for sexual limits to change over time, with the same partner or different partners. What an individual is craving one day, may not be what they desire another day.

Some ways to phrase boundaries are:

"I don't want to take my underwear off."

"Don't put your fingers in my vagina, I don't like that."

"I don't want to have sex."

"I want to cuddle and kiss, but not have sex."

"Any area I should avoid on you?"

Remind them that boundaries do not have to have a reason attached to them. If their partner asks why they don't want to do a certain sexual act they do not need to explain themselves if they do not want to.

 Some ways to respond are:

"It is not what I am in to."

"Because I don't want to."

"It doesn't feel good for me."

"I don't want to do that with you."

What to do if their boundary is not being respected or taken seriously:

Their partner may try to say they know what they are doing or that they know a good technique. Encourage your client to participate in trying techniques they are interested in but also having the confidence to say no when they are not. Remind them that If they feel they are repeatedly not being heard, it's okay to decline sexual activity with that individual. 

 Tip #2 - Teach your client to discuss their preferences:

Everyone is different and our bodies have varying preferences. In order to ensure a sexually satisfying experience, your client should share the ways and the places they like being touched.

Some ways to phrase preferences are:
"I usually orgasm from clitoral stimulation, by rubbing your fingers side to side over my clitoris."

"I really like having my ear kissed."

"Can you focus on __ area?"

"What do you like?"

"I like external anal touch."

What to do if you don't know what you like?

If they are unsure of what their preferences are masturbation is a great way for them to learn about them. They can share with a partner that they are interested in exploring their body with them and would like their help to explore their preferences. Remind them it's important to verbally communicate what feels good, what they want to try, and what they don't like during the sexual encounter.

Tip #3 - Teach your client when and how to discuss sexual communication:

Flirtation: Flirtation can be a fun way to make their sexual preferences and barriers known.

Ex: "Wanna play with each other's fun parts?"

Texting: Texting can be a fun way to share your preferences and barriers with a partner. It can open up a conversation regarding what you like and what your partner likes.

Ex: "Tell me what you like."

When planning on meeting up for a "hook up" it's helpful to teach your client to establish their desires and boundaries prior to sexual activity. This can help alleviate feelings of anxiety in the moment.

Ex: "I will come over tonight, but just to be clear on expectations, I don't want to have penetrative sex tonight."

During a "hook up" sexual preferences and boundaries are able to be added to or retracted at any point. It's important for them to understand that they are in control of these modifications and it's okay to verbalize them.

Ex: "Hey, can you focus on my clitoris and nipples? It feels really good what you're doing to them. I don't think I am in to the anal play right now."

Action plan for your client to complete during or outside of their treatment session: 

My boundaries include:

______________________________________________________________

My preferences include:

______________________________________________________________

Create your coaching statement to empower yourself to engage in sexual communication effectively and successfully:

______________________________________________________________